Tormented
by catwiththetattoo
Summary: They like each other. But will one of them finally pluck up the courage to tell the other? Or will they forever wallow in the shadow of rejection? Cafemochashipping. I support cafemochashipping! If you don't like that, don't read it! (I don't own the book cover. But it's so darn cute!)
1. Again

_Chapter 1_

Cilan was un-strapping his belt on the waistband of his trousers when he heard the front door of his apartment open with a thump.

The small rented two-room apartment was furnished comfortably to his refined taste, with oak and mahogany furniture and large, polished mirrors. The rooms were noticeably highly arched, with huge French windows and a large, spacious feel. Whenever Cilan thought of the wonderful apartment he had landed, he felt a strong sense of smugness that always pervaded whenever he finished cooking a great, delectable dish.

Now as Cilan looked at the door of his room, his eyebrows furrowed in puzzlement, he wondered who it could be that was visiting him so late at night. It was already close to twelve, and he was preparing to sleep.

Footsteps thumped along the carpeted corridor.

"Pika! Pika-chu!" The yellow electric mouse pokemon emerged from the darkness.

"Hey, wait! Pikachu!" It wasn't long till the late-night intruder was revealed.

_ Ash_, Cilan thought. _Why is he here?_ He felt a mixed whirlwind of emotions that he always felt whenever he saw Ash. That pair of warm brown eyes in front of him again drew back the memory of when he had seen him last. A blazing sun against the backdrop of the ocean-always the premonition of goodbyes. He, Iris and Ash stood at the dock, while a great ferry ship was docked next to them, a thin line of smoke rising up the sky from its foghorn.

"I'm going back home for a while," Ash said, his voice unusually forlorn and quiet. There was some other emotion in his eyes that Cilan could not recognize as he looked up at him. "Me too," said Iris. "It's been too long a while."

Cilan did not quite know what to say. "I'm staying here for a while." He said at last. "Get an apartment, find a job." Although he missed home - a lot, actually - he felt that he had not yet completed his journey as a connoisseur, and he felt there was something more that he must discover before going home.

Now, as he looked at Ash, the face he had so longed to see, flushed against the darkness of the room, he could not suppress the longing that always rose up in him-_eh? Flushed?_

Ash's face was burning up. _Could he have gotten a fever, or something?_ Cilan felt ill with worry. Ash almost never got sick, and when he did... Cilan tried to fix an easy smile on his face that was always characteristic of him.

"C-Cilan-" Ash's voice was choked.

"Yes?"

Cilan was smiling at him in that way of his. _He hardly changed at all_. But what could he have expected, from so short a period of time?

"C-Could you get a shirt on, please?" He stole a look at Cilan's face, and saw, to his surprise, that he was blushing, just as he was. Ash tried to make his voice sound less forced. "Not that I feel weird...i-it's ok, we're both men right? And..." he gave a nervous laugh. _It came out completely wrong!_ He looked nervously at Cilan. Cilan was still slightly red, and that smile was still on his face, but there was something very strained in his expression.

"Not to worry, Ash. It's fine." With that, he reached for the connoisseur shirt that lay on his bed. Ash turned away hurriedly.

It was something else altogether to watch him dress. _Too intimate_, he thought. He felt like he got a fever again. Then a loud sound of a stomach growling could be heard in the quiet of the room.

"Come on, I'll make you something to eat." Cilan spoke very softly.

A moment later, Ash was fixed at the dining table in the kitchen, while Cilan worked at the kitchen counter, stirring soup, making bread. One of the greatest things he loved about Cilan was his cooking. Now, seeing him dressed as he always was, brought back memories from before.

Cilan set the dishes in front of him. "There you go." He seated himself opposite Ash. As Ash dug into the scrumptious food Cilan had cooked for him, he could feel his steady gaze on him. _God, I'm blushing again!_

"Are you feeling hot, Ash?" Cilan's voice was always kind, loving and gentle. Yet, when he spoke just now, there was a tragic note in his voice. Strange.

"M-Must be the steam from the soup!" He almost squeaked. He tried to eat with more gusto. "Mh-hmm, this is good!" He forced as much enthusiasm he could into his voice.

"I'm glad you like it, Ash. I think I'll go to bed first. There's an empty room next to mine, you can use it. We'll talk tomorrow, ok?" His voice sounded unusually tired and sad.

"Wha-at? Cilan, are you feeling ok?" Was he sick? Or was it something he had said?

He was even more worried when Cilan did not reply. "Hey, Cilan, you know you can tell me anything you want, right?" He injected confidence into his voice. "If you're feeling down, you can always share your troubles with me. Wait - it's not about me coming here, is it?" He suddenly felt very worried.

Cilan gave a short laugh. "No, it's fine, Ash. I'm just feeling tired, that's all." He left the room.

_ Something's bothering him. But what is it?_ Ash tried to put it out of his mind as he wolfed down the food.

Cilan closed the door behind him, sagging against it. What could he have expected? He had felt a ray of hope when he saw Ash, that, coming here this late, it must mean that he shares his feelings? But he only got his heart shattered. Once again. _"Not that I feel weird...i-it's ok, we're both men right? And..."_ What Ash said echoed once more in his head.

_ Foolish idiot,_ he said to himself. _You shouldn't have gotten your hopes up. He never liked you that way. Feeling hopeful is just going to bring you down to disappointment._ He balled his fists up. He never cried, but his heart felt incredibly heavy. Who knew he would fall for somebody like that? Somebody who can never tell what he really felt, somebody who will never return the slightest similar feelings...

When he first met Ash, he thought he was an incredibly foolish person. Setting up his pokemon against his opponents like that...Later, when Ash had beaten him, he could not suppress the shock, admiration and curiosity that he felt all at once for that black-haired boy.

Whenever he recalled that 'interview' after the battle, how Ash had desperately tried to get away from him when he made his advances, he felt ludicrous hatred for himself. _He never felt anything for you. Don't be stupid_. When he set on his journey, he had tried to keep his distance, sometimes getting hopeful despite himself-yet Ash had broken his heart countless times, always by a casual remark that he had given little thought to. _Ash was that kind of person_.

Cilan always thought he was straight. He never paid attention to all those fan girls, but there were crushes he had, of course, but only on girls. It never really worked out, though. He was always too shy to confess, too afraid of rejection. Yet Ash was the only person he had ever felt so strongly for. He was so innocent, so naive, always charging into things. And battles.

Cilan felt an urge to protect him from everything, he felt an overwhelming tenderness for Ash. It might have been brotherly love, except for the fact that he kept wondering what it would be like to kiss him, and that longing he always felt...

After they had parted, he had tried to keep Ash from his thoughts, but never succeeding. The more he tried to forget, or dull the memories, the more he would remember. He thought he would never see him again. And yet...there he was tonight. Only a week passed since he had last seen him. It brought his hopes up - and it was crushed down again. He had tried to ignore the feelings, but it never worked.


	2. Unexpected momentum

**Hello! This is my first time writing fanfiction, actually, I'm a newbie here. So thank you very much for your kind words!**

**To Amorous-Thunder: Heheh, they are cute, aren't they? To know what happens next, you just have to read on! And thank you for reviewing :)**

**Acetrainer777: Thank you, thank you haha! It makes me happy that you liked it:) Hmm, have you read the other cafemochashipping stories? They're nice and huge fun. I fell in love with them!**

**This is a rather short chapter, sort of a filler, actually, and I apologise for that. This takes place right after the first chapter. Please review, and all constructive criticisms are very welcomed.**

Chapter 2

Ash scrubbed the plates in the sink, thinking about Cilan. _Something's definitely going on in his mind._ "Eh? What do you think, Pikachu? He was acting weird."

"Pika! Pika!" Pikachu was trying to tell him something, pointing his tail agitatedly at the door, but Ash was completely lost at sea. "Huh?"

Impatiently, Pikachu snatched his hat again, and hared out of the kitchen. "Hey!"

Ash slowed down when he saw Pikachu scratching at Cilan's bedroom door. "What's the matter, Pikachu?"

In a kind of dreamlike daze, he opened the door and entered.

"C-Cilan?"

Cilan was lying on the bed, the covers kicked in a twisted mess at the foot of the bed. Ash gulped when he saw his bare chest. It was all planes and angles, a play of shadows and light. Trying to avert his eyes, and not really succeeding, he covered Cilan adequately. Then he turned to look at Cilan, a curiosity gnawing at him. _What would it be like to be close to him?_

He saw that Cilan was frowning in his sleep. The skin above his eyes knitted and flexed. Reaching out with a finger, he pressed that spot, intending to soothe him. He froze when Cilan grabbed his hand.

"Ash! Ash, I'm sorry! I didn't mean it, please! No, don't leave!" Cilan's voice was torn, broken, and his face was contorted with pain.

_What would make him call out like that?_ Ash thought, confused. "Hey, Cilan. Cilan, wake up." He grabbed his right shoulder and shook him gently. He watched as Cilan's eyes slowly opened, his lids uncovering his eyes, like two glistening emeralds. The pain was still there, it seemed, making his eyes dark and large and sad.

"Cilan, are you alright?"

The vivid green eyes looked up at him, flashing green ones into warm brown ones. The warm amber light from the bedside table highlighted the contours of his face, amplified the shadows under his cheekbones, lighting on his full mouth. Ash found himself unable to say another word.

"This is a dream, isn't it?" Cilan whispered softly.

Ash couldn't find his voice. Before he could react, Cilan pulled him flush against his chest, one warm hand on his back, the other holding his chin. Ash could feel both of their hearts thumping against their chests, as if yearning to be freed, like two wild birds, it seemed. _Wha...what's happening?_ He felt faintly horrified, yet a strange anticipation was building up in his chest, and he leaned closer to Cilan despite himself.

There was something heartbreakingly tender and enormously sad in Cilan's expression as he drew Ash in and pressed his lips to his. It was just a gentle press, nothing more, but it was enough to freak Ash out.

"AH!"

"PI-KA!"

He jumped desperately from the bed, his arms and hands clawing wildly in the air as he almost lost his balance. Pikachu looked just as shocked as he was.

Cilan was watching him with a flabbergasted and confused expression. Then slowly, it dawned on him, with a sort of frightful horror. "It wasn't a dream at all? What!"

"You! Your...lips! And my lips! Ah!" He was pressing his fingers to his lips, holding them like one might hold a bruised fruit, his eyes wide and disbelieving as he looked at Cilan. He felt horrified by what had happened, yet there was some sort of feeling...of almost... of pleasure? No, that was not possible.

Cilan felt desperate. "No, no! Ash! It wasn't what you thought! I didn't...I didn't mean to...I...I thought you were someone else!"

Ash, in his panic, latched on to the only sane explanation. "You thought I was someone else?"

"Of course!" Cilan attempted a light and airy laugh. It came out coarse and strained. "I thought you were someone else, or I wouldn't have...couldn't have..."

Ash's shoulders slumped. Cilan, who was looking at him closely in his panicked state, observed that he looked almost...disappointed. But no, that was impossible.

"That's...good! I, uh, I think I'll go to bed now. Good night, Cilan!" He tried to be as cheerful as possible.

He hurried out, trying to slow his crazed pumping heart, Pikachu running after him. He was sure he was as red as a tomato already.

Out in the corridor, he picked up Pikachu. "That was crazy, wasn't it?" he whispered.

"Pika..." Pikachu fixed him with a knowing look.

"I have no idea what you mean. None, at all."

Meanwhile, back in Cilan's room, Cilan slowly let himself drop back into bed, allowing his breath to come out in a _whoosh_, and stared blankly up at the ceiling.


	3. Who'd be my Valentine?

**I forgot to state this, so let's get it clear: I don't own pokemon or any of the characters. **

Chapter 3

The day dawned fresh and clear, and Ash could hear the chirps of many birds and sounds of other animals in the forest nearby. A small slight breeze blew at his face, ruffling his already disheveled hair. As he rubbed his eyes, feeling warm and drowsy, he could feel Pikachu's tail curled round his head.

"How was your night, Pikachu?" he laughed.

"Pikapi!" The small electric mouse pokemon flung his small body on Ash's chest, his red cheeks discharging minute amounts of electricity.

But there was just something nagging at him at the back of his mind. Like he'd forgotten something...something important. He shifted around on the bed, trying to grasp a mental hold on a memory. It came to him suddenly, crisp and clear and vivid to the last detail.

_The kiss!_ He shot up from the bed, causing Pikachu to fly from his chest and on to the floor with a small _oof_. "Sorry...sorry..." he could already feel a burning on his cheeks.

_He kissed me! And I liked it. No! That's not possible! That would mean, what, I'm gay? No, not possible._

Absentmindedly, he picked up Pikachu, and he was shocked to see a little smile on the guy's curly lips. "Pika...pi?" His whole face was animated, and one eye was decidedly smaller than the other as he stared at his trainer, like he was trying to suggest something. Something that sounded _very_ atrocious to Ash.

"What are you saying? It's not possible, I tell you!"

At this, Pikachu's ears drooped, muttering a few syllables under his breath.

"Don't act all sad about it. You just like his cooking, don't you? You're a horrible, horrible pokemon. _Horrible_."

It only took a few minutes to wash his face, attempt to comb this hair, and straighten his clothes. He felt quite nervous about how Cilan would react. _What would he say about last night?_

He knew Cilan would be in the kitchen. He walked in quietly, careful not to make a sound. He hadn't paid attention to the room the night before, but he now noticed the softly gleaming pots and pans, the stacks of plates and bowls, the lowly paneled kitchen counter, the numerous polished wooden cabinets that shined with a warm radiance from the morning sun. It was a chef's dream of a kitchen, alright.

And the smell...god, the smell! It permeated every pore of his skin, filling his lungs with something warm, savoury and sweet. He could hear Pikachu inhaling deeply. It felt like the angels from haven had opened the sky and filled the air with beautiful, unearthly music. _Paradise is near!_

He sat and watched as Cilan cooked, a low anticipation thrumming in his belly. He loved watching him cook. How can anyone move among pots and pans, frying and stirring, with that smooth, almost feline grace? _Just like a dancer_. Cilan was the most graceful man he had ever seen.

He pulled out a chair from the table, careful not to make any noise. Pikachu had jumped off his shoulder and had curled up on the wooden dining table, looking almost meowth-like in his contentment. His nervousness had left him in the presence of food, and he felt relieved and glad.

Just then, Cilan turned around, holding a bowl in his hands. "Oh!" His eyes widened, and a pink flush entered his cheeks as he glanced at Ash's lips.

"Oh, uh...hi, Cilan."

"Hello, Ash. Have you had a good night's sleep?" His tone bore nothing unusual, indeed, and even sounded cheerful and happy. _He's acting like yesterday never happened!_

"Erm, yes. Thanks." _Talk about awkward!_ Observing Cilan closely, however, he could see small dark circles under his eyes, and his hands were gripping the bowl very tightly, each knuckle sharply standing out. His expression was still the same, mild and pleasant with a small smile curling his lips. Walking towards the table, he set the bowl down and slid it towards Ash.

"I expect you're hungry. And here's some special pokemon food for Pikachu as well." The smile was slightly wider, though it still did not touch his eyes. The three sat down and began to eat, Ash wolfing down the delectable food.

"Must you gulp and slush your food like that?" Cilan inquired, watching him, some of the old twinkle returning to his eyes. "Though I must say myself it is really quite palatable and toothsome. Such tender and succulent beef. Not to mention that the stew has a rather surprising mellow flavour. A gustatory blend, indeed!" There were moments where Cilan allowed his ego to inflate a little bit. He rather enjoyed it.

All Ash could say was "Mh...hmm." _He's really cute when he's eating,_ Cilan thought, his heart melting a little.

All of a sudden, a cacophony of voices reached their ears, sounding like they came right from the front door. "Eh? What could that be?"

"Let's take a look!" Ash had already finished his bowl of beef stew, and Pikachu leaped at once to his shoulder, his bowl picked clean too.

The three hurried to the front door. Cilan never locked his front door. Ash thought it was rather too trusting and naive. What if a robber decides to pay a visit? People like Team Rocket were rather abundant in this world.

Cilan twisted the door knob and pulled. A large group of girls were standing outside, eyes wide as they saw who they were looking at. Instantly, a great babble of excited high-pitched cooing ensued.

"Oh, he's so cute! So dashing, so handsome, so suuaave!"

"Cilan, would you date me? Would you marry me? Please! I love you!"

"Cilan, please! I've been thinking all night about you!"

"Cilan, go out with me, just this once!"

The shocked boys stood rooted to their spot, their minds completely blank from the unexpected event. It was Ash who recovered first.

He glanced at all the chocolates, flowers and teddy bears that were laden in the girls' arms. _Happy Valentine's Day_, a fat brown teddy bear's tummy read. "Huh? Today's Valentine's Day?" The chatter was giving him a headache, and he felt a slight anger rising off his chest.

"Erm, girls, I'm not thinking of dating anyone just yet..." Cilan began in an embarrassed voice. He should have known what this was about. Whenever he settled in a city, news of his arrival would inevitably get around, and Valentine's Day was always a day of torture for him. Back home in Striaton Gym, it happened every year, and Chili was the only one who really enjoyed the attention.

"Oh, really, Cilan?" A voice as warm and smooth as butterscotch called out. A teenage girl stepped out from the crowd and walked to Cilan, until they were a hair length's apart.

"Cecily." Cilan sighed, feeling resigned. "What are you doing here."

"Oh, I happened to be in the same town, Cilan. It's been a long time since we last met." she purred, placing a finger lightly on Cilan's chest. Shining brown hair, smooth as satin, cascaded down her shoulders, reaching her back. Cool aquamarine blue eyes gazed at Cilan, half lidded. A flowing low-cut green dress hugged her curves, showing off her white throat and cleavage perfectly. A pair of black stiletto heels were strapped to her feet. The perfect picture of a seductress.

"Hey, get your finger off him!" Ash wanted to snap that finger in half.

"Ooh, who's this? You've got very interesting company, Cilan darling." That pair of blue eyes zoomed in on him. She looked a little amused. "A boy vying for your affections. That's a first, for sure."

Cilan stood rock hard under the caress of the girl in front of him. "He's right, Cecily. Get your finger off me."

The other girls were watching this scene unfold. Some were beginning to get angry.

Cecily's eyes flashed. As fast as a snake, it seems, she wound her arms around Cilan neck and kissed him passionately. Ash could only watch, dumbfounded and flabbergasted, as Cilan kissed her back. _Kissed her back_. How was that legally acceptable?

The kiss only lasted for a few seconds. Cilan had pulled away, breathing hard, looking utterly ashamed of himself. He couldn't make himself look at Ash, who was standing there, staring at them, feeling like the world had come to a complete, screeching halt.

"Cilan sweetheart, you kissed me back!" Cecily was smiling with glee.

"I have no feelings for you, Cecily, and I never would. What happened was a complete mistake." Cilan had to force himself to look straight into Cecily's eyes. The girl was eyeing him like he was some kind of juicy rabbit to sink her teeth into.

"Oh really? Then why did you kiss me back?" she said in a sing-song voice. It was silent all around. Everyone was shocked at what had happened.

"You...you disgust me, Cecily. You know I never liked you. I don't ever want to see you again."

The girl now looked like she was slapped. She didn't look as beautiful anymore. An ugly red splotchy colour filled her face, and her eyes became livid with rage. She opened her mouth as if to say something, then she turned on her heel and stomped away.

The other girls were whispering excitedly. Cilan took a deep breath and faced his cheerleading squad. "Sorry, girls, the show's over." Then he shut the door in their faces.

What an awful way to start a day.

"Sorry Ash, they're like this every year. I should've known - "

"How many girls are like this, Cilan? So infatuated with you? And who's that girl? And why did you..." Ash couldn't bring himself to say the word 'kiss'. With the events of last night fresh in his mind, it would probably be a very long time before he'll be able to say it. "...do it back to her? Tell me!" Ash looked just like a rabid dog that was just about to bite. Cilan had never seen him so...aggressive.

"Erm, well...they're like my usual cheerleading squad. I don't really know how many girls are like this, but they're pretty scary sometimes. I guess they heard I was in town, so..."

"And the girl? Who's the girl?"

"She's called Cecily. She's a family friend, I suppose. She had always had this crush on me, but I don't have any feelings for her, really. Erm, may I ask why are you asking this?"

"Never mind about that! But why did you do it back, hmm? If you didn't like her at all?" Ash was in his 'battle stance'. His hands were fisted and his right hand was out in front of his face like he was going to hit somebody, and his legs were apart and firmly anchored to the ground.

_Boy, this is getting more and more uncomfortable..._ "I kissed her back because...well, I suppose...I think I wanted to forget about something. Ash, why are you acting like this?"

"And all the girls! This happens every year, huh? Every single - "

"Ash," Cilan interrupted. "You're acting like a jealous boyfriend."

He froze in the middle of his angry gesticulating. _Jealous boyfriend?_ He felt a drop of sweat trickle down his back. If he didn't like Cilan at all in that way, why was he acting like this? _Unless...no, not possible_. He kept repeating the words 'not possible' in his mind, like a kind of mantra. Because it just wasn't possible!

"Huh...I think...I was just worried about you." He attempted a weak laugh. He was burning now. His whole face felt like it'd been grilled in Cilan's oven. He shifted uncomfortably. _That's the only explanation. It's got to be_.

Then to his astonishment, he saw the biggest grin stretching his friend's face. It was so real and true and just so _radiant_ that he could only stare and smile back uncertainly. _What's he so happy about?_

Cilan felt light and tingly all over. A sort of bubbling had started in his chest, spreading to his whole body and face, pulling a smile that was threatening to tear his face in two. Exhilaration, ecstasy, intense happiness he had never known - it spilled out of him like a fountain and flooded every fiber of his being. He couldn't stop himself from grinning.

"Come on, Ash, let's just finish breakfast together, and then... well, today is a great day, isn't it?"

**I finally finished this chapter! It was getting tiring...Valentine's day is really a cliched and overused setting. But I just have to use it.**

**Just to ask, when you guys write a chapter, how long does it usually take? In the next chapter, Ash and Cilan will be spending the day together. And maybe, just maybe...they'll confess! (I don't think it'll be in the next chappie, though) Sigh. The story is coming out quite nicely, though at some parts I have to force it out. Thank you for reading and all those nice people who added this story:) I really appreciate it. And please review? Again, constructive critism are very welcome**

**To amorous-thunder: not really, my writing is still rather unpolished and childish at some parts.. do you notice that I begin many lines with "He..." well, I don't know any other way to phrase it..but I'm improving the more I write, so all's well, I guess:)**


	4. The Impossible

**Note: Again, I own nothing, not pokemon, or the characters.**

**Setting: A town that is old and rather small..**

Chapter 4

The two walked slowly down the street. Ash had wanted to explore the town, and Cilan had accompanied him, saying there was something he needed to do.

Ash looked on in wonder at the low ancient monuments, having never seen people living in careless abandon among such senescent buildings.

There were people relaxing on the balconies, enjoying the sun, while a few young noisy children, screeching like seagulls, were running about on the roofs, seemingly unafraid at all of falling. _People actually live in these old houses!_

Although the buildings were brown and rather dirt-caked with age, the elaborate and delicate filigree designs on the pillars, the doors and the borders of the roofs were carefully preserved, and not one inch had crumbled despite existing for centuries.

A woman with a pichu hanging on to her shoulder was cleaning a window of one aged building. The pichu grinned at Pikachu and waved a tiny paw.

"So, Ash, I haven't had the chance to ask you...crazy stuff was always happening...but why did you suddenly pop up last night?" Cilan enquired, still smiling.

The thousand-watt smile had finally dimmed, much to Ash's relief. He could hardly talk to him without staring at that crazy smile on his face.

"Well, when we separated, it felt kinda wrong, you know. I felt...empty. I don't know how to say it but...I kept thinking about -" _you_, he wanted to say. It was strange. He hadn't felt the same way for Iris at all - just the occasional thought, about how she would feel in particular about something...for instance, _Iris and Axew would have loved this apple!_

But Cilan was on his mind almost every minute of the day. Thoughts would intrude, uninvited, at the damnest moments. He almost nicked his finger when peeling an apple the other day. And there was once, when he had intended to place his dirty underwear in the laundry basket, he had thrown them in the dustbin.

"After just staying at home for one week I booked a ship and came back here. I was going to go crazy, if I stayed there any longer. Settling down never suits me, Cilan."

Cilan's smile grew a little wider. Ash did not have the faintest idea what was making him smile that way. Whenever he snatched a glance at his face, it was always there, even when he was talking. That mysterious smile.

When they'd reached a certain intersection of the road, Cilan stopped.

"There's a Pokecenter up front. I'll head there, I have something I've got to tell my brothers. Why don't you explore the town? Let's meet at the clock tower after an hour."

"Sure, why not? Besides, I would love to explore the town!"

The two parted ways. Cilan walked up the slight slope, his booted feet kicking loose pebbles down the street. He was preoccupied with his thoughts. Doubts had begun to intrude his mind. _He acted so jealous just now...but is it possible that I over thought about it? Could the simple reason for his behaviour be that he was just worried? Does he really like me? I feel like he does, but all those things he said to me before...or perhaps I think he likes me because I hope for it. So he doesn't like me?_

Cilan shook his head, trying to shake loose those thoughts, but they clung to his brain like limpets to a rock. _Careful, or you might just end up like those girls, picking petals off flowers._

He smiled at Nurse Joy as he entered the Pokemon Center. He went to the farthest corner and switched on the VideoCam, making sure he wasn't eavesdropped, and dialed his brothers. After a few moments, the call connected.

"Hey, Cilan!"

"What's up!"

The other two triplets were eagerly pushing their faces towards the camera. Cress's hair was sprayed with gold dust, while Chili's face had a dozen pink lipstick imprints on it.

Cilan was appalled when he saw them.

"You've been smooching around again, Chili! For the love of god, we told you to keep your face clean!"

"I couldn't control him. He just jumped right into the crowd of girls and...well, _they_ happened. I got sprayed with gold dust by some crazy fan girl." Cress's tiny microphone voice sounded tired and resigned.

"Speaking of smooching," Chili's voice was dripping with relish. "We heard you kissed a particular...tasty...girl..."

"It got around that fast? And come on, we knew Cecily since we were 5, and we all know she's disgusting." Cilan made a very unsophisticated face at the pair.

"Yeah, but that doesn't change the fact that she's...whaddyu call it..._voluptuous_."

"Chili, shut up, for God's sake." Cress began, his voice sharp with annoyance. "Cilan, why did you call? Speak fast! Things are very busy here, the girls are clamoring for a special photo shoot."

Indeed, there were a few indistinc,t shrill screams of "Where are them" in the background. Cilan winced.

"Yes...well." Cilan's voice dropped an octave. "You see, its about Ash."

The other two's face did a 180 degree change. Chili immediately stopped trying to fluff up his hair and stared intently at Cilan. Cress bit his lip and chose his words carefully.

"You're over him, aren't you?" Cilan had been unable to conceal his feelings for Ash from his two brothers. It was a bond the three shared, that enabled to guess what the others were feeling. Cilan could never hide anything from either of them.

"He's back." Quickly, he narrated the recent events.

Even from the computer monitor, Cilan's face looked downright miserable. Cress had been worried about that. He was very relieved when the three had parted, and had even thought that Cilan would grow to forget about Ash one day. Now, as he looked at him, he could tell how wrong he was to think that.

"Cilan," he sounded out carefully. "You should -"

But Chili beat him to it.

"Oh, just tell him already! Why are you so ninny about it? It's not like he'll leave you if he finds out! I mean, I'm pretty sure someone like him wouldn't abandon people."

"I wish it was that simple, Chili. If I told him, I'm not sure...it's just that I don't want out relationship to change for the worse. What if he wouldn't talk to me afterwards? What if he feels uncomfortable around me? I'd rather have him as a friend than lose him utterly." Cilan sounded so glum that even Chili softened.

"Cilan," Cress said very gently, "you just have to trust him to not. How would you ever know whether he feels the same way if you don't tell him how you feel? And from what I heard, there's a very high possibility that he truly does."

"I...I don't know about it, Cress. You know I'm not a risk taker. Maybe...I think I'll just give it time, see how it goes..."

"If that's what you want, Cilan. But think fast, before you lose him again." There was an ominous note in his voice.

Cilan knew he was right. Giving his brothers a last grimace, ended the call, feeling even more troubled than before. The ray of hope that had illuminated him before was now gradually losing light. _Should I tell him, or should I not?_

Ash wandered through the town, eyes wide open, drinking in the sights and sounds of his surroundings. He had tried to explore the whole town, but now he felt tired.

He chose a low-lying brick wall on top of a little hill that overlooked the town, lush green with overgrown moss and ferns, and clambered on it, sitting and watching with avid interest as the people below went about their daily business.

He felt a light tap on his shoulder.

"Say...are you the boy who was hanging out with Cilan in his apartment earlier? Wait... yeah! You're him! That boy with the Pikachu!"

A young girl around his age with short green hair had sneaked up behind him. There was a basket full of wildflowers hanging off her arm.

"Um yeah, that's me..." he smiled at her awkwardly.

"It's a pity he doesn't want a date, you know, and on Valentine's Day too. Say, you're pretty cute! Wanna go out with me, just for today? Please?"

"Um...I'm flattered and all, but..." he groped for something to say. The girl was peeking at him, one hand raised to cover her face from the sun. She _was_ cute, in the next-door-girl kinda way. "Besides...I have somebody I like..." _Huh? Where did that come from?_ He'd been searching for a reason, but not that. It doesn't even make sense, what he said. How can he not know whether he has a crush on somebody?

The girl looked crestfallen. Then half a second later, she straightened up, and drew a flower and a booklet from her basket, beaming at him. "Well, since I can't have you, I don't see why you can't have your special someone! Here, take these. And have a nice Valentine's Day! Hope you meet success!" She winked at him, then turned and skipped away.

Ash could only stare at her back, rather shocked. _What an abrupt change in mood!_

"Pika..." Pikachu was staring at the booklet, eyes wide. The booklet's title screamed: "How to confess to your love...a Valentine's Day special" in a flowing gold scrawl.

"Giving this to me is like throwing it into a dustbin..." He stared rather bashfully at Pikachu. "I don't even have somebody to like."

"Pika-pi! Pikachu!" Pikachu was frantically gesturing about something, waving his tiny forepaws around.

"No. You can't be serious. I don't like Cilan that way. It's not possible. He's a guy and - "

Ash's eyes widened. Pikachu had not even mentioned Cilan but his thoughts had gone _straight to him_.

"Pika!" The little petulant voice was triumphant next to his ear.

He sagged on the wall. All the little details came to him, of how he thought incessantly about Cilan, how he acted near him...but how was it possible to have feelings for a guy?

"I'm...I'm in love with him. Cilan." He muttered softly under his breath, rather dazed.

It was kind of thrilling to pronounce it, to feel and taste the words on his tongue. Yet he felt as if he knew the fact a very long time ago.

"I'm so dumb! To realise it only now... you knew what I felt for him, didn't you?"

"Pika-pi..." Faced with Ash's sudden realisation, the yellow mouse pokemon felt unsure of what to say. Ash looked like he was struck with a heavy club. How to assure his trainer that all is fine?

"How is this possible? What would mom say? Or Misty and Gary and so many others think? Worst of all, what would _he_ think? I don't think I can tell him..."

He looked down at the pamphlet and the flower in his hand. It was a pink rose, not yet fully opened, the petals soft and glistening in the sun. Everything felt like a joke to him. Aren't you supposed to give flowers to girls, not boys?

Yet, if he didn't tell him, it would totally unfair to Cilan.

"Pika-pi!"

Pikachu pointed at the clock tower urgently.

"Oh no! It's time already?" He stuffed the pamphlet and the rose quickly into the large pockets of his jacket, his mind still a riot of chaos.

**What do you think? I sacrificed quite a lot of time on this...**

**It's been a long week. I had a busy week in school, so I couldn't update as often as I liked.**

**Thanks for all readers who followed this:) I hope I don't sound greedy, but you know, if you can make someone ridiculously happy, why not do it? Just a small review saying "I loved it, the _was so _" or even a criticism and a note of improvement can make someone's day. A review would just take a few minutes, won't it. I'm not asking you to do it for me, but why not try to review every story that you like? Many authors would love it and value it. Besides, such a good deed will be returned to you. Definitely. Why not be more encouraging and supportive to the other members?**

**Sigh, I still love you guys for reading it though. I truly do! Thanks:)**


	5. Confession gone wrong

Chapter 5

Shafts of golden sunlight pierced through the tiny gaps in the clouds, falling on every blade of grass, every green leaf that lay drowsed in the early afternoon heat. Birds chirruped gently from their perches on the treetops, chuckling softly to each other, preening their glossy feathers with an air of soft tenderness.

Ash could hear little forest sounds echoing through the empty clearing. Sounds of tiny animals scurrying through the undergrowth, conversing with each other through little squeaks and grunts. Pikachu was very excited as he was back in his natural environment - finally.

"Well, here we are! This is the biggest clearing on this side of the forest." The forest air seemed to have revitalised Cilan, and he strode with an easy and cheerful gait, bouncing slightly on the balls of his feet.

Cilan had suggested spending the day in the forest, then sleeping under the night sky together, like in the old days. Ash, of course, had readily agreed. They had walked back to Cilan's apartment after walking round the town, to get some packed food and their sleeping bags. Ash had brought his small backpack, and he hid the booklet and rose the girl had given him carefully in it. He had filled a plastic bottle half full with water and popped the rose into it, hoping that it wouldn't wilt. Then he'd placed the entire plastic bottle into his bag, making sure it stood upright.

They'd had eaten lunch in the apartment. The day seemed to sped past, and it was already in the afternoon.

Cilan led him to the middle of the clearing and started unpacking almost immediately, setting up the foldable table that he always carried around, then taking out a big salad bowl and some spoons.

"We'll eat the packed food as dinner. I'll make some salad as a snack for now."

Ash smiled gratefully at him. Cilan knew that his tummy would most probably not last till dinner.

He went to sit on the soft verdant grass in the shade of a large umbrella tree. Then, he took out the booklet and gazed at the content with avid interest.

"How to confess to your love" was printed in a bold script at the top of the first page. He felt deadly curious, and rightly so, for he had never did anything close to romance. With slightly trembling fingers, he turned the page.

"Step 1," he read softly to himself. "Communication. Bring up a topic that both of you are interested in. It may feel awkward at first, but it'll bring the two of you closer together."

_Hmmm...common topic of interest...that would be food. _

"Step 2, use body language. Smile frequently and make a little eye contact here and there, so they'll know you're interested. Play with your hair. Lick your lips to make them look moist and inviting, and maybe the other party will get the idea and swoop in for a kiss."

Ash almost dropped the pamphlet. He haven't even thought of kissing.

"Step 3, drop little hints. Flirt a little, smile shyly, and when the moments are appropriate, touch them gently on the arm. This will send the message that you want to, well, get to know them better."

"Steps 1, 2 and 3 could be taken for friendliness. Now, the ultimate step: step 4. Step 4: Ask whether they're single. This step determines whether you should go out with him or her. If they're not single, back off immediately. Step 4 will immediately tell them that you're interested in them. If you're shy and afraid to ask, then talk about your love life first, and ask them about theirs' so they would think you're just asking out of curiosity."

"Step 5: the moment of truth -"

"Ash! What are you doing?"

"ARGH!" Ash shoved the booklet back into his bag. He was just going to read about the moment of truth! Cilan was standing behind him. Smiling, he ruffled his hair, making it even more untidy. In response, blood flooded his cheeks.

"I was just uh...reading something."

"Reading? Since when?" Cilan's eyes were twinkling at him. "Anyway, food's ready."

He followed Cilan to the table that he'd set up. Cilan even drew a chair for him, and made sure he'd sat down comfortably before sitting down beside him. Cilan had even made a special mouse recipe for Pikachu.

"Thanks." His cheeks turned red. Yet again.

"No problem," Cilan took in the adorable blush on his cheeks, trying to commit every detail to his memory. Ash, unable to stand _that_ gaze, was once again shoveling food down his mouth.

"Oh, this is delicious!"

"Creole salad, with finely diced sweet pickles."

_Oh yeah, step one is accomplished! Now for step 2!_

He smiled widely and looked deeply into Cilan's bright green eyes, fingering a few strands of hair over his ear. Cilan's heart stopped. THIS is ultimate cuteness. He fought to maintain the eye contact. After a while, he just couldn't take it anymore, and looked down to his laced fingers on his lap.

_ Eh? He looked down. What does that mean?_

After an awkward silence, Cilan spoke up.

"Is the salad very dry? Do you need a glass of water?"

_What the-?_ Ash had been licking his lips every so often, to make them look 'moist' and 'inviting'. However, his plan had backfired, apparently.

"What? NO! I don't want some stupid glass of water!"

"You don't have to yell..." the older teen was taken aback. What's so important about a glass of water that he'd to shout? This wasn't like him.

"Sorry! I was just kinda...sorta...frustrated..." Ash sighed. _This wasn't working. I'll have to give Step 3 a try!_

He ate quickly, making sure his bowl was picked clean. As Cilan stood up and took his bowl, Ash laid a hand on his arm and tried to take the bowl, making sure his fingers brush the back of his hand. With a clash, the bowl dropped to the ground.

"Oh dear!"

"Sorry, sorry!"

"No, it's my fault. I dropped the bowl."

"You wouldn't have if I hadn't touched you."

That sounded so strange and _weird_ that they both turned away suddenly and abruptly. "Er, I'll do the dishes." Ash picked up the bowl gingerly. _Why was everything failing? Maybe, just maybe, Step 4 would do the trick? The booklet said being indirect is better if you weren't sure..._

He started to scrub the bowls with a rag. "Hey, Cilan...I've got this problem..."

"What problem? You can tell me." He was looking at him cleaning the bowls from a rock, a warm light dancing in his eyes. Ash swallowed. _He looks...irresistible_.

"Well...it's just... I suddenly realised...I've never got a girlfriend before. Is that bad? Is there something wrong with me? I'm already fourteen and... It seems like no one's ever been interested in me."

"Of course it's not bad. I'm seventeen, and I can tell you that there's nothing wrong with not having a girlfriend." Cilan gave an amused chuckle.

"Really? Oh well... that's good I guess... So you ...don't have a girlfriend now?"

"Nope. " He folded his arms casually behind his head. "Why are you asking this anyway?"

"Erm... Curiosity. Have you ever met someone that you felt very strongly for?"

"Yes. You?"

"Well... All my life, I've never been interested in anybody. Until..." he hesitated.

"And...now you are?" Cilan's head was cocked to one side and his gaze had sharpened.

"Erm yeah...but that someone I like...is a guy."

_Oh shit! How did this happen? How can I just blurt it out? How!_

He stole a look at Cilan. _Oh god! What would he think now? He looks so serious..._

"A guy?" Shock transformed his face. The usually gentle eyes were burning now, and the look he gave Ash was scorching and intense. With curiosity and... something else. "Tell me who."

"I-I can't tell you!"

"Why not? Is it someone I know?"

"No!"

Pikachu, who had absolutely no idea what was going on, was following the heated conversation like watching an exciting tennis match.

"Come on, Ash. It's just a crush, isn't it?"

"No! It's love!" _Damn! Damn him and his stupid mouth!_ He clamped his hand over it.

"Oh? Love? Now I really want to know." Cilan's eyes were very dark with some unspeakable emotion.

_I can't tell him! What if he finds me disgusting? What if he doesn't want to speak to me ever again?_

"I-I don't want to tell you!"

"I understand." Cilan's voice was suddenly very weary and tragic-sounding. The change was so abrupt that Ash could only stand there, open-mouthed and flabbergasted. Cilan turned away from him and looked up at the sky, which was turning a beautiful reddish-orange. "It's-It's getting late, anyway. I'm going to sleep."

_Huh? What the hell?_

His uncomprehending eyes followed Cilan as he slowly pulled out a sleeping bag from the backpack and laid on the ground, his back turned to him.

Ash sank down onto the ground, feeling like a lost puppy. What had happened? Why had everything that he'd tried failed? He's no where closer to confessing his feelings, yet he felt worlds apart from Cilan. After a few moments, he got up and took out his own sleeping bag. Looking at his friend's back with a sigh, he laid down beside him, feeling more confused and exhausted than ever before.

**Sorry for the rather late update!**

**I've edited (slightly, mind) the last chapter. **

**This is the second last chapter, I hope I haven't written them too out of character?**

**I have to thank Wikihow on the 'how to confess...' part. *coughs* Though I've modified the original information, of course.**

**So what do you think? Please review!**


	6. Love will come through

**This final chapter is dedicated to Amorous-thunder, who supported me in countless ways :) (so thank you!) If you really like reading yaoi, then go and check out her stories "Giving all" and "What's left to remember". They're wonderful!**

** Warning: remember how this story is T-rated? Well...this is where the T part comes in. Reader's discretion is advised XD. **

** Disclaimer: I don't own pokemon or the characters, and make absolutely no money from this.**

The silver moonlight bathed the meadow, darkening the shadows, turning everything a contrasting black and white. The moon was an immense, brightly illuminated orb in the dark night sky, and stars hung in the heavens like diamonds on a deep violet veil.

Lying under the night sky, Cilan sighed. Ash was doing it again.

Sleepwalking.

It had happened frequently in their journey. Iris and Cilan would wake up in the morning, groggy and exhausted from sleeping on the ground, only to find Ash next to their supply bags, a donut or a loaf of bread clutched in his fingers, sound asleep and mumbling about "my mum's buttered bread loaves...".

Right now, Ash lay heavily slumped on his chest, his sleeping bag still on the floor at its original position. Pikachu's little yellow form was sound asleep in the folds of his sleeping bag. Ash's sleeping, vulnerable face was pressed against Cilan's chest, one hand was knotted in his short green hair, which had turned messy and unkempt. The other hand was clutching the right side of Cilan's sleeping bag.

Cilan groaned. This had never happened before. It'd always been with food.

Reaching up with his left hand, he tried to pry those fingers from his hair, but they were so tangled with the strands of his hair his efforts were futile. _It's like they'd grown there overnight..._ He might rip off his scalp if he wasn't careful. Just as he gave those fingers another experimental tug, Ash stirred.

"Whattsamatter?" He grumbled. The temperature had dropped rather drastically at night. A cold breeze now swept across the meadow, ruffling the grass, lashing the trees. It was very cold indeed. But the warm surface he was lying on was doing just the trick. Sighing, he rubbed his cheek against that warm toasty surface. It felt soft and hard at the same time. However...there was an uneven thumping coming from it. That doesn't make sense. Why would a mattress have a heartbeat? Unless...

"Oh my god!" He leaped up, tottering slightly due to the weakness of his limbs. He would have fallen again, _hard_, on Cilan's chest had Cilan not reached up and grip his arms and settle him gently on his chest.

"This is awkward, huh? Cilan laughed a little stiffly. There was a kind of tension between them now, a palpable cord that seemed to stretch and tighten the longer they stared into each other's eyes. _Eh? What am I doing?_

"Cilan..." _Is this the right moment? Should I tell him now?_ Yet the words wouldn't come. They halted on his lips, stuck on his tongue. But before he could even attempt to spit out the words, Cilan spoke up, very quickly.

"You know...this person you were talking about... whom you have a crush on..."

"Yes?" Ash's breathing was uneven. _Is it possible that he'd guessed?_

"Is it Brock? Is it Gary? Is it that guy you told me before... what's his name... Max?"

"What?! No, of course not! They're all my friends!"

Cilan racked his brain. "Is it someone you told me about before?"

Ash sighed. This was impossible. He should just say it and deal with the consequences... "It's...It's you." He said it almost inaudibly.

_There, it's out_. He thought his chest should feel lighter, but it had gotten heavier. _How would he react now? Better get away from him myself, before he pushes me away...I don't think I would be able to stand it if he did that... _He couldn't find the courage to look at him. Head down, he got up and walked towards his backpack and slowly slid the zip open, taking the bottle with the rose out, laying it gently on the ground. _Since it's out... might as well be thorough with it..._ "I was going to give that to you too." He laughed humorlessly, his face still hidden by his hair. Everything had turned out to be such a mess.

He turned and headed towards his sleeping bag. His head feeling so heavy that it drooped. There's nothing he could do already. He'd confessed aloud. And its obvious how Cilan felt about him by the way he stayed silent for so long.

A hand suddenly gripped his left forearm, turning him back.

He was about to say he was sorry, when he felt a warm hand cup the right side of his face. A pair of hot, soft lips crushed his own. A nose rubbed against his own cheek. Hair tickled his face. Green...green hair.

A warm buttery feeling flooded through his entire being. He couldn't stop his sharp intake of breath, or the way his heart was racing, or the jittery feeling in his stomach that was making his fingers ache.

His senses had completely overwhelmed him. Any form of logical thinking had utterly deserted him. All he felt was a play of hot and cold. He could feel the freezing air caressing his skin, making it even more sensitive. Yet he felt like a burning furnace was inside him.

The soft lips plundered his own. "Ash," he heard him whisper against his ear. Chills spread down his back. He gasped as his earlobe, cold because of the biting wind, was drawn into a delicious cavern of heat. He could only hear their ragged breathing, the sounds that the wind was making, and the frenzied beating of his own palpitating heart.

Strong arms encircled him, squeezing tightly, a hand brushed his bottom...

"Cilan..."

"Yes?"

"Are you going to...do it?"

He heard a low chuckle near his head. "You have a rather...dirty imagination."

Cilan said nothing else but continues nuzzling his neck. Ash had to groan when he felt teeth nip his earlobe.

"So... are you?" His voice was hoarse and strained.

"What do you think?" The reply was just as husky.

Hands gripped his back and he felt himself being lowered onto the grassy ground. _He's really gonna do it!_ He felt trepidation and excitement immediately. He'd heard about something like that, and he knew lovers do this all the time...But he'd never done something like this, or knew what to expect at all.

A strange pressure was building down low in his body, a growing need that made him quiver and tremble with need. He felt the lips again, warm and moist and familiar, tracing from his forehead to his nose and his lips. His lips...and those lips...they fit perfectly together. That thought made him ridiculously happy.

He could feel each individual hair of _his_ tickling his face, and the warm, good solid weight of _him_ pressing him down. Cilan's chest was warm, and he could feel a low current in his chest, the fast thumps of his heartbeat that matched his own.

Above him, Cilan groaned. "You don't know how many times I've dreamt of doing this," the voice was pained.

Those lips melded into his again, strong and soft at the same time, teasing, rubbing, encasing his own. Tantalizing sparks of pleasure traveled down his body and collected in his groin. A moan couldn't help but escape from his lips, and he reached up and caught his soft, silky hair in his hands.

A hand trailed down the length of his body, down between his legs and pressed gently into him. That...that sensitive part. _Ohh!_ He couldn't help but arch upwards. _That's...that felt so good..._

Cilan rolled off him.

"What?! You're just going to end it like this?!" He demanded.

Cilan gave him a sweet smile. "We can't. We're in the middle of a forest. If you really want to...how about later?" _Was that a wink_? In the darkness, he wasn't really sure. _Since when was he so flirtatious? Still...to end it like this..._

Cilan dragged his sleeping bag between the two of them. "Right now, I'm just contented with sleeping next to you," he told him. _Aww, when he says it like that...how can I be angry with him..._

Cilan got in. "Together?" He asked, pulling one edge of it, smiling at him radiantly. He snuggled in, and was awarded with a gentle, tender kiss on the lips.

"Are we going out now?"

"Yes." Even in the near complete darkness, Ash could see the white gleam of his teeth. He couldn't stop grinning too. _I never thought it'll end so perfectly..._

"Hey, Cilan?" He asked as he snuggled against his chest. One of his hands was buried in the folds of his shirt.

"Yes?" He was curled around Ash, his face buried in his jet black hair, clutching his slender waist possessively. Their legs were a tangled mass.

"Where did you learn to... kiss so expertly?"

Cilan could feel a blush starting from his neck and extending to the roots of his hair. "Well... I'm a kissing connoisseur, after all, so..."

"A kissing connoisseur? I never knew such people even existed!"

"Yes, well..."

The night air was silent except for the chirps of crickets and the rustling of leaves. And the gentle breathing of the two couple, of course.

The moonlight fell on everything, the yellow Pikachu that was still curled in the other sleeping bag, oblivious to everything... and the rose that was still on the floor. The moonlight lent a silver glow to the large, exposed petals. Yes, the rose had bloomed...at last.

**Thank you for reading this till the end! :) Be sure to check out the other cafemochashipping stories...and maybe... write your own? Spread the cafemocha loving spirit around! If you really write one, send a pm to me! I would love to read it :)**


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